@vampireowlcat
Hold fast to dreams.
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The last nights of summer

27/3/2022

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Written 25/03/2022

Late every night, the cat perks up
and stares,
wide-eyed,
out of the big living room window into the dark
at something intangible
And I hope that ghosts are real:
life goes by so quickly
and this world has so much yet to offer.
I spend my nights curled up against her soft, vibrating body
Reminiscing on the childhood  freedom, wonder, and pain
that came and went like rolling thunder.
And as the last nights of summer fade away -
softly -
I hear the breeze, like ocean waves
It calls me outside to play.
The crickets chirp loud protests against the howling winds,
and autumn mist rains down
through the trees.
I close my eyes and remember the feeling of nights like this, years before...
The mist rolls down my cheeks.
Through the window, a black silhouette with yellow eyes peers out at me,
curious about this restless spirit
with not anchor to the present.
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Let's Pretend -  Song

24/11/2021

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Written 24/11/2021

Love conquers all
I can see it straight ahead
Come to my door, 
We can change the world... 
Cause in all this mess, 
Lies a hope in the dark 
We'll take this journey far 
With our torches in our hearts 

[Chorus 1]
Perhaps we'll meet a wise man 
Who knows where our paths lead 
Perhaps we're the few chosen 
Amidst all of this need 
Cause life, it's just a story 
And we know just how it ends 
With a moral and a lesson 
Like in our childhoods, let's pretend 

I once heard of a man 
From a very special birth
He had come to bring salvation 
To the people of this earth 
And they say, that he was special 
And they say, he cleansed our sins 
Yet I wonder when this salvation 
Actually begins

 (Chorus 1) 

 The real world is out there 
I can touch it if I try 
 The starved and begging bodies 
And the smoky burning sky 
And if there is an answer, 
Do you think we'd recognise 
That it is what we take for granted 
That will lead to our demise

[Chorus 2]
Perhaps there is a reason 
That so many of us stray 
Perhaps we'll be reborn 
Out of all of this decay 
Because we are the true stories 
We understand just what to do 
We must get ourselves back to the garden 
And the wholeness we once knew

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Honeysuckle

21/10/2021

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When we were children, our hearts sang of freedom. We could feel it in our bones, hear it in our laughter, and taste the dreams and possibilities on our tongues. The world was new, spring green, and flowering. We thought maybe one day we would fly.

None of us get to hold onto that completely. For some of us, it was far too short lived. And still more of us never got to experience that freedom at all.

That is the sorrow of this world. That is our shared grief.

And now our bones have grown brittle; our bodies too burdened for flight. At least that is our shared belief: that survival is our only dream and anything else is naive.

Written 6/6/2021

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Shedding our skins to be whole

21/10/2021

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Age fifteen. I looked at him over my pizza as I chewed enthusiastically. "I love how much you love food!" He said, grinning. "You're not like other girls." "Thank you," I mumbled between swallows. Images of just four years ago filled my memory. My ribs had jutted like sharp waves through my skin. I had gagged on each bite, my stomach wrenching as I fought to swallow; at war with my own body.

Age seventeen. "You're so naturally beautiful," he said, his voice like honey. "I mean," he clarified, "that you're beautiful without makeup. You're not like other girls." "Thanks," I replied, watching the blur of my mascara-blackened eyelashes bounce with each blink, out of the corner of my heavily-lined eye.

Age 27. "You're so cool! I can't usually talk to women about other women," he laughed. "Uh huh," I said weakly, still struck by nausea after remarking on the aesthetic appeal of yet another woman's body, for his approval.

We are to be sexually appraisable at all times. We must devour our food despite being thin - our flat stomachs must never betray the life-giving nutrients we absorb.

We must effortlessly shine with an even, perfect glow - our smooth, pore-less skin must never betray any sleepless nights of stress and emotion, or the story lines that our lives tell.

Finally, we must regularly view each other through the always-fuckable lens that was bestowed upon us by our forefathers. Hold up the mirror but don't look too close; she is only a pretty shell that I can point out to him. It's like bird watching, except you get cool points.

I gave up on being unlike other girls a long time ago. I began to find it strange that I cut pieces of myself off for these men, all to avoid being like the women who never wanted me to be anything but whole. Whole in my imperfections. Whole in our shared traumas and joys. Whole as we welcome even these men who are ready for change. Ready to slough off the damaged skin from their desiccated boyhoods and soak in the authenticity of their own vulnerability.

Written 22/1/2021

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She Has Wings

1/9/2021

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Written 9/8/2021

When I see her, she sometimes has wings
- but they are heavy and push her shoulders forward.
Her large eyes, the colour of an evergreen forest,
bore deep impressions beneath their weight.
When she is full - her body sustained -
her belly, rounded, shows off its new possession.
I don't know what to think of her
in all her naked vulnerability;
Where youth and hunger once masked her flaws,
now life and nourishment chip away at the facade.
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Ephemeral

1/9/2021

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Written 27/7/2021

I called the wind and it found me,
Whispered softness in my mind
I asked it to stay and ground me
But it soon left me behind

I begged the water to love me
I caught a current out to sea
But a wave crashed from above me.
It just wasn't meant to be

I told the moon to follow
To cast a shadow always near
But her promises were hollow
And every month, she'd disappear

I asked the earth to hold me
To keep my roots planted strong
And with her deep brown eyes she told me
I had been with her all along
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Whole

1/9/2021

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Written 2010

I miss you like hell, and you're not gonna tell me
That was a long time ago.
Cause I still feel the same, and I'm not gonna quell the pain
- Let it overflow.
But when I've eased my mind and it's been one year's time
I'll be fine, but how about you?
You'll be searching your soul, cause it's never been whole
From the grieving that you never knew.
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Love Come Down - Song

1/9/2021

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Written 6/7/2021

Love come down
And show me where you've been
It's been too long
And I haven't caught your scent
Because you sleep in the shadows,
In my dreams, in the wind
But I've been held down
By a voice in my head

Peace come back
And show me where you hide
It's been so many years since I felt you inside
Because your form is so soft
It's like mist, hard to hold
And my mind gets so tired
And that voice is so cold

Grief, come here,
And show yourself to me
You've been swimming through my veins
And it's time to set you free
Yes it hurts, yes I know
I can hear you all day
But you're blocking my path
And you've outgrown your stay
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Fate is Calling - song

30/3/2020

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Written 14/2/2020

I know you're gonna leave me
It's just a matter of time
I could just enjoy the moment
And savour while you're mine
But every day gets closer
To the end of the line
I know you're gonna leave me
It's just a matter of time

I know I'll be alone
By about this time next year
You can see how tough I am
Hiding every single tear
I could love you for a lifetime
Instead of striking out in fear
But I know I'll be alone
By about this time next year

The monsters sit beside me
And call to me by name
They wrap themselves around me
And drown me in my shame
Your love lights up the darkness
And helps me ease my pain
But they stare through my reflection
And I hear them call my name

Love is not a cure
But it helps soften the blow
And I begin to mirror
All the courage that you show
Perhaps there is a future
If I allow myself to grow
No, love is not a cure
But please teach me what you know
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The Saddest Parts - song

30/3/2020

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Written 31/1/2020

You held me in your gaze
And you told me that you'd love me in so many ways
But when I showed you my saddest pats
You left me torn open with an unguarded heart

So why waste my time?
Did you think that your bullshit
Would one day become mine?
And we'd share in your spineless ways
Fighting fake monsters for the rest of our days?

[Chorus]
My pain won't transmit
So you can stop acting like you'll catch my shit
And get off your damn throne
You've got work to do on your own

It's been twenty-odd years
Since you told me you were safe and then reduced me to tears
Because I showed you my broken wing
And that prompted your defenses and made me feel your sting

But why turn on me?
Did I expose a side that you were too scared to see
In your own hungry soul
Now you avoid the very thing that will make you whole?

[Chorus]
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    OwlCat

    These are the words that spew forth from my unrelenting brain, usually in times of pain or depression. I try to keep a bitter-sweet tone to highlight the hope I still see in the world.

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    This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.
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