Written 25/03/2022
Late every night, the cat perks up and stares, wide-eyed, out of the big living room window into the dark at something intangible And I hope that ghosts are real: life goes by so quickly and this world has so much yet to offer. I spend my nights curled up against her soft, vibrating body Reminiscing on the childhood freedom, wonder, and pain that came and went like rolling thunder. And as the last nights of summer fade away - softly - I hear the breeze, like ocean waves It calls me outside to play. The crickets chirp loud protests against the howling winds, and autumn mist rains down through the trees. I close my eyes and remember the feeling of nights like this, years before... The mist rolls down my cheeks. Through the window, a black silhouette with yellow eyes peers out at me, curious about this restless spirit with not anchor to the present. Written 24/11/2021
When we were children, our hearts sang of freedom. We could feel it in our bones, hear it in our laughter, and taste the dreams and possibilities on our tongues. The world was new, spring green, and flowering. We thought maybe one day we would fly.
None of us get to hold onto that completely. For some of us, it was far too short lived. And still more of us never got to experience that freedom at all. That is the sorrow of this world. That is our shared grief. And now our bones have grown brittle; our bodies too burdened for flight. At least that is our shared belief: that survival is our only dream and anything else is naive. Written 6/6/2021 Age fifteen. I looked at him over my pizza as I chewed enthusiastically. "I love how much you love food!" He said, grinning. "You're not like other girls." "Thank you," I mumbled between swallows. Images of just four years ago filled my memory. My ribs had jutted like sharp waves through my skin. I had gagged on each bite, my stomach wrenching as I fought to swallow; at war with my own body.
Age seventeen. "You're so naturally beautiful," he said, his voice like honey. "I mean," he clarified, "that you're beautiful without makeup. You're not like other girls." "Thanks," I replied, watching the blur of my mascara-blackened eyelashes bounce with each blink, out of the corner of my heavily-lined eye. Age 27. "You're so cool! I can't usually talk to women about other women," he laughed. "Uh huh," I said weakly, still struck by nausea after remarking on the aesthetic appeal of yet another woman's body, for his approval. We are to be sexually appraisable at all times. We must devour our food despite being thin - our flat stomachs must never betray the life-giving nutrients we absorb. We must effortlessly shine with an even, perfect glow - our smooth, pore-less skin must never betray any sleepless nights of stress and emotion, or the story lines that our lives tell. Finally, we must regularly view each other through the always-fuckable lens that was bestowed upon us by our forefathers. Hold up the mirror but don't look too close; she is only a pretty shell that I can point out to him. It's like bird watching, except you get cool points. I gave up on being unlike other girls a long time ago. I began to find it strange that I cut pieces of myself off for these men, all to avoid being like the women who never wanted me to be anything but whole. Whole in my imperfections. Whole in our shared traumas and joys. Whole as we welcome even these men who are ready for change. Ready to slough off the damaged skin from their desiccated boyhoods and soak in the authenticity of their own vulnerability. Written 22/1/2021 Written 9/8/2021
When I see her, she sometimes has wings - but they are heavy and push her shoulders forward. Her large eyes, the colour of an evergreen forest, bore deep impressions beneath their weight. When she is full - her body sustained - her belly, rounded, shows off its new possession. I don't know what to think of her in all her naked vulnerability; Where youth and hunger once masked her flaws, now life and nourishment chip away at the facade. Written 27/7/2021
I called the wind and it found me, Whispered softness in my mind I asked it to stay and ground me But it soon left me behind I begged the water to love me I caught a current out to sea But a wave crashed from above me. It just wasn't meant to be I told the moon to follow To cast a shadow always near But her promises were hollow And every month, she'd disappear I asked the earth to hold me To keep my roots planted strong And with her deep brown eyes she told me I had been with her all along Written 2010
I miss you like hell, and you're not gonna tell me That was a long time ago. Cause I still feel the same, and I'm not gonna quell the pain - Let it overflow. But when I've eased my mind and it's been one year's time I'll be fine, but how about you? You'll be searching your soul, cause it's never been whole From the grieving that you never knew. Written 6/7/2021
Love come down And show me where you've been It's been too long And I haven't caught your scent Because you sleep in the shadows, In my dreams, in the wind But I've been held down By a voice in my head Peace come back And show me where you hide It's been so many years since I felt you inside Because your form is so soft It's like mist, hard to hold And my mind gets so tired And that voice is so cold Grief, come here, And show yourself to me You've been swimming through my veins And it's time to set you free Yes it hurts, yes I know I can hear you all day But you're blocking my path And you've outgrown your stay Written 14/2/2020
I know you're gonna leave me It's just a matter of time I could just enjoy the moment And savour while you're mine But every day gets closer To the end of the line I know you're gonna leave me It's just a matter of time I know I'll be alone By about this time next year You can see how tough I am Hiding every single tear I could love you for a lifetime Instead of striking out in fear But I know I'll be alone By about this time next year The monsters sit beside me And call to me by name They wrap themselves around me And drown me in my shame Your love lights up the darkness And helps me ease my pain But they stare through my reflection And I hear them call my name Love is not a cure But it helps soften the blow And I begin to mirror All the courage that you show Perhaps there is a future If I allow myself to grow No, love is not a cure But please teach me what you know |
OwlCatThese are the words that spew forth from my unrelenting brain, usually in times of pain or depression. I try to keep a bitter-sweet tone to highlight the hope I still see in the world. CategoriesArchives
March 2022
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